Halloween needs a new name. I propose “Hallosteria.” Here’s why.

Every year, busywork bureaucrats and media masterminds issue warnings or even laws to prevent Halloween problems that are either minor or nonexistent. This year?

The Consumer Product Safety Commission just issued a press release and infographic warning about all the dangers abounding in … pumpkin carving and youngsters’ costumes.

“Begin crafting with safety in mind,” it tells parents. If you’re sewing costumes, use only polyester or nylon, because cotton burns rapidly.

Should children not wear cotton the other 364 days of the year? Is cotton right up there with radium?

The agency also warns against oversize costumes, lest tots trip and fall. How big a problem is this?

On its infographic, the Commission estimates that last year there were 3,200 Halloween-related injuries. How serious? No clue. But it does admit that the majority of those injuries were incurred by … adults. 

And only 25 percent of the injuries involved tripping, so we’re down to 400 injuries, or 1 for every 100,000 children under age 10, by my calculations. That includes tripping over decorations, or while just plain walking. 

So, warning about oversize costumes is sort of like warning about beans up the nose: Something that’s a bad idea, but not a terribly common problem.

The Commission goes on to tell parents to never let their children carve a pumpkin (they can scoop out the innards if they absolutely insist on having fun). And finally: “Keep safe from Covid by following CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) advice to wear a mask.”

Is that actually the CDC’s current mask advice? It’s almost impossible to tell from its site. Try it — The mask recommendations I could find were from 2021. Yet I did find an article from September headlined, “CDC no longer recommends universal masking in health facilities.”

If people working with sick people, inside, don’t need masks, why should tots need them for walking OUTSIDE, where Covid is much less likely to be caught? 

That’s turning a fun and healthy walk into a stumble-a-thon virus-catching death trip.

And after all those warnings — including the advice to not put candles in your pumpkins, which is sort of like warning junior not to sit too close to the gramophone —- it fails to mention: BEWARE OF CARS.

That’s the No. 1 danger to kids on Halloween: traffic injuries. Candles, masks, tripping on your too-long, killer-cotton Batman cape — THOSE merit mention, but not “LOOK BOTH WAYS?”

So that’s the Commission’s contribution to Hallosteria. Meantime, there’s the ritual warnings from the media about people on the sex offense registry.

This year, Jacksonville, Florida, is particularly focused on the issue. Ever since 2010, Jacksonville has required registrants to put a sign on their lawn: “No candy here.”

Those on probation risked six months in prison if they didn’t comply, says an attorney at the Florida Justice Institute, Ray Taseff, who is working to get the lawn sign law repealed.

While repeal has yet to happen, this year Jacksonville will not enforce the law because a very similar one was declared unconstitutional in the 11th Circuit of the United States Court of Appeals, which covers Georgia, Alabama and Florida. 

Compelling citizens to post those signs amounts to compelling speech, the court ruled, and that violates the First Amendment.

Maybe the “no candy” sign laws would make sense nonetheless if trick or treaters were being molested. But a Johns Hopkins study found: “The idea that sex offenders are more likely to harm children on Halloween is simply unfounded. The data don’t prove it.”

This did not stop News4Jax TV from telling viewers to use the Sex Offense map when planning their trick-or-treater’s route — scaring families needlessly.

And speaking of needless scares, don’t forget the Drug Enforcement Agency cautioning parents that drug dealers could be giving children “rainbow fentanyl” this year — even though tots who overdose represent a lousy sales trajectory.

Long story short: Halloween used to be about candy, independence, and joy. Now it’s about all the ways tots could die. Happy Hallosteria!

Creators.com